Welcome back to Save File Plays Final Fantasy VII! Last time, we found out that Cloud is, in fact, NOT dead, and there were some awkward exchanges between him and Aeris. Now the two of them made it to Wall Market in their attempts to make it back to Sector 7, and well… hijinks are about to ensue. Many, many hijinks. Let’s hop to it, I suppose.
MUSIC: Oppressed People
So there’s a lot to do here in Wall Market, but the first order of business is to try and find Tifa.
We should probably grab a bite to eat. Why don’t people ever eat in video games?
Waiter: One Korean BBQ Plate!
Cook: Comin’ up!
Waiter: In this store, you pay first. It’ll be 70 gil. Thank you. Just a second. There you go. Enjoy.
: It was all right.
Waiter: Thank you. Here’s an item coupon for the Pharmacy. You can exchange it for one item there. That’s our last coupon for now. Watch for our NEXT promotion!
May as well. That money’s not gonna do much just sitting in your pocket, right?
That’s cool, I just ate anyways.
Fretting Man: About what? Hmmm, don’t make me say it… it’s the shop down on the right.
Let’s go check it out!
Oh. OHHHH. Ohhhhhhh…
Johnny: I get so mental at times like this. I’m hopeless! Hey, aren’t you? What?? You mean you’re… too?
: Don’t bring me down to your level.
Johnny: What… me too. I decided this after a log of deep thoughts. My last memories of Midgar… you know. But… that guy over there kinda scares me.
“Tough” Guy: I’m feelin’ like there’s gonna be a fight!
Shinra Soldier: Urrrgh… no way, I can’t go on. Things aren’t working out. Between our differences and my pay, it just isn’t cutting it.
Host: Welcome!! Even unpopular dweebs like you may meet their destiny here! You looking for a girlfriend too?
: You know a girl named Tifa?
Host: Hey, you’re fast. Tifa is our newest girl. But, unfortunately, she’s having an interview right now. Here at the Honey Bee Inn, it’s customary for all the new girls to be taken to Don Corneo’s mansion. Don Corneo’s a famous dilettante. Now he wants to settle down and is in the market for a bride.
Well, I guess the next step then is to head to the mansion. Let’s do it!
Old Woman: All this belongs to the owner of the Weapons Shop. He keeps picking things up and saving them here.
Man: Oh, you mean the owner who has a tank in his shop.
Old Woman: But any way you look at it, it’s just trash.
We should probably check out that Weapons Shop, because if there’s anything that’s great in an RPG, it’s new weapons!
It was possible to buy Titan Bangles in the slums in Sector 5, but it would have been virtually pointless, since the superior Mythril Bangle is for sale here in Wall Market. Along with that, I scoop up a Mythril Rod for Aeris and a Metal Knuckle for Tifa. Barret already has an Assault Gun, so no reason to buy that.
TO THE MANSION.
Guard: Look, the Don’s not into men. So don’t let me catch you around here again. Hey, you got a cute one with you!
: I’ll tell Tifa about you.
: No!! You can’t!
: Do you know what kind of… place this is?
: Then what am I supposed to do? You want to go in with me?
: Well, being a man, that’ll be pretty hard. Besides, if I bust in there, it’ll cause too much commotion. But I just can’t let you go in alone… oh, man… First, we need to find out if Tifa’s all right….what’s so funny, Aeris?
: Cloud, why don’t you dress up like a girl? It’s the only way.
TO THE DRESS SHOP.
Clerk: Umm, it might take a little time. Will that be all right?
: What’s the problem?
Clerk: Well, my father, the owner, has been in a slump lately. You see, he makes all the dresses.
: And where is your father?
Clerk: He’s probably at the bar, getting plastered.
So… you’re saying we can’t get a dress unless we do something about your father?
Clerk: Yes, I’m sorry. He’s caused so much trouble. You’d help me bring him back?
: Well, if we don’t do something, we won’t get a dress, right?
Clerk: Really?! Please help my crazy old dad. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
: All right, we’ll do something. Let’s go, Cloud!
TO THE BAR! Oh yeah, we’re definitely playing an RPG.
Shop Owner: I own the clothes shop, but I ain’t your father…
: I didn’t say that…
: Make me some clothes
Shop Owner: I don’t make men’s clothes. And I don’t feel like makin’ anything right now.
: Cloud, you wait over there for a second. I’ll try and talk to him. Why don’t you go over there and have something to drink?
: He always said that, just once, he’d like to dress up like a woman. So, that’s why I wanted a cute dress for him.
Shop Owner: What?! A tough lookin’ guy like that?
: So, how ’bout it? Will you make him one?
Shop Owner: …might be interesting. I was gettin’ a little bored just makin’ regular clothes.
: Then you’ll do it for us?
Shop Owner: Yeah, all right. What kind of dress you want?
: Something that
(feels clean) feels soft… and something (shiny) that shimmers. <——- (those were choices)
Shop Owner: Hmm. Got it. Y’know, I got a friend that has the same taste as him. I’ll go talk to him. Hey, hold on. Wait till I get an image in my head. *gulp* umm, that’s good.
: Whoa, what are you doing?
: It’s still not right., A wig! That’s what you need!
Shop Owner: Umm, I thought you might, so I talked to my friend about getting one. You know the gym? You’ll find a lot of people there like you. Go and talk to them.
: “Like you?” Aeris, what did you tell him?
: Does it matter? Anyhow, we got a pretty dress!
TO THE GYM!!!
Yep. Definitely a typical gym.
: Right. And about the wig…
Lady(?): Yeah, I heard. But it’ll cost ya!
Gym Rat: Urrrgh! Big Bro! The only way you’re gonna get cuter is if you can beat Big Bro!
Others: That’s right! That means you’re gonna compete with us!
Lady (Big Bro): You’re right. Let’s do squats.
Gym Rat: Yeah! We’ll bedat you out of this gym!
: Are you…
: THE beautiful bro?
Big Bro: What? You didn’t know? Always running around here sayin’ “Big Bro” this, “Big Bro” that… Never mind that, come over here.
Big Bro: You’re really something. Okay, I’m a man of my word, here you are.
Gym Rat: Big Bro, I’m so mad, I’m so, so, so—mad!
Big Bro: Shut up! Don’t cry, just because you lost!
So we now have a dress and a wig… but if we’re gonna do this, we should probably go all the way, am I right? So let’s see what else we can dredge up.
In the local Materia shop…
: What is it?
Shopkeep: Really! I really appreciate it. I’m sorry, but young lady… Would you turn the other way for a second?
Shopkeep: I’m sorry, lady. You know the Inn? Well, they put in a new vending machine. I’m itchin’ to know what they’re selling in it. I just can’t ask a girl to go get it. What? Why don’t I buy it myself? Well, to tell you the truth, I got in a fight with the guy at the Inn and can’t go there anymore. Come on, so how ’bout it?
: I’ll go.
Shopkeep: Good, thanks. I’ll be waitin’ here when you’re done.
TO THE INN!!
I could go back to the Materia shop (and I will), but first…
TO THE PHARMACY! I got a coupon for eating food. Pretty much the best deal ever.
Pharmacist: Don’t just stand there, say something! Oh, you have a coupon? Then please select any one medicine you like.
: Digestive, please. (Editor’s note: this is a choice, and a semi-important one)
BACK TO THE MATERIA SHOPPE!
Shopkeep: Oh, really!! Hey!
Shopkeep: And what was it? …A protein drink set. That jerk. I’m gonna do so much more business than him, his head’ll spin. Thanks, bud. I’m motivated now. Take this, it’s not much…
TIARA. IT’S A DIAMOND TIARA
Hmmmm… where else?
TO THE BAR!!!
Getting any of the other items would lead to getting a worse item. But since we got the Digestive, we get the best cologne. Oooo la la!
He hands over his Member’s card. Things are about to get weird.
MUSIC: Honeybee Manor
It’s occupied, but we can take a peek…
MUSIC: Trail of Blood
It’s the curse of the resurrected Satan… Our beloved Queen does not awaken… The time is ripe… A legend has been passed on through generations…
Person 2: (We have a luncheon with President Shinra)
Person 1: (You tell him…)
Person 2: (I can’t tell him!)
Person 1: (Come on!! Oh, well…)
…one with blue eyes…
Person 1: (This happens every time we come to Midgar on business. We came all the way to Midgar just for this?)
…and a great white sword on his back…
Person 2: (What’re you complaining about? You’re just holding the lights. I’ve gotta wear this heavy armor!)
…will not lead us to the Promised Land…
Person 1: (I know, I know… but it’s all part of the job. Oh yeah, did you hear? The President’s Wife found out about this little hobby of his.)
Person 2: (Ha ha… no way, I didn’t know that!)
Person 1: (Oh, looks like he’s done. Man, I’m glad!)
Person 2: Geez!! Mr. President!! I mean, Your Majesty. Ohhh… I’m sorry. Please remove the ancient curse!
Ahahahahaha… we just walked in on the President Roleplaying. What the hell.
MUSIC: Honeybee Manor
The Lover’s Room is likewise occupied, but similar to the Queen’s room, we’re able to take a peek inside…
Grandma: What’s wrong, Grandpa? You keep sighing.
Grandpa: *Wheeze… puff…* You know, Grandma
Grandma: Is it the room?
Grandpa: Whew… I know our son rented this for us and all, but… it’s too nice for us. Big round bed, gorgeous tub… I just can’t get comfortable.
Grandma: Don’t worry about it. It’s a high class neighborhood in the Big City. You keep complainin’ and we’ll get in trouble.
We can just walk right into the makeup room. That doesn’t seem right to me, but whatever,
Honeybee #1: Ohhhh, I just can’t seem to lose weight. Hmm, hmm, hmm… Sir!! You can’t come in here. (Yuck… a pervert…)
Honeybee #2: Eyaaahhh! Don’t!
Honeybee #3: (Oh, God… here’s another one of those guys. You know, the delicate type. Just ignore him, just ignore him. Hmm! I guess he doesn’t realize his position. I feel sorry for him. Just ignore him, just ignore him. God, what a pest! All right, get out of here! You dog… That’s it, I’ll name him “Pooch.” What should I do? Is he following me? Really? What if he follows me home? Poochy’ll do it, I’m sure of it… You think he’s after me? Really? This guy makes me sick… and his eyes are weird, too… yeah, don’t hurt these guys’ feelings. Let’s at least say hi to him.) Uhh… Hel… Hello.
: By the way, I haven’t introduced myself yet. I’m Cloud… a jack of all trades.
Honeybee #3: Oh, yeah…? Welcome, Cloud. (Gross! Don’t get carried away, remember your name is Pooch!) Take care… Cloud.
Well… that was… that was a thing.
SOUNDS LIKE MY KIND OF ROOM. I’LL TAKE IT!
Honeybee: Oh, don’t be angry with me… (Geez… this one’s probably the violent type…)
Well, let’s see what this place is all about.
MUSIC: Who Are You?
Uh… this… this doesn’t quite seem right.
What… what the heck??
WHAT IS HAPPENING??
Honeybee: Help! Someone…! Hurry!
MUSIC: Honeybee Manor
Mukki: It happens to me all the time.
Honeybee: I’m so sorry. There are a lot of “adult” things going on. For your inconvenience, Please take this, okay?
Well, our time at the Honeybee Inn is coming to an end, but there’s one more thing to do.
All right, time to head out.
MUSIC: Oppressed People
Well, we have the highest quality of items we can get… plus some makeup. I guess it’s time to do this thang.
TO THE DRESS SHOP!
Clerk: Yeah, you’re right. Should we try it? Thanks for showing us something new. My father’s got his motivation back now, so the dress is on the house.
: Walk more nicely like… this, Miss Cloud.
: …What do you mean “nicely?”
: Oh, you’re so cute, Miss Cloud. Aaah, I want one. Do you have one that’ll look good on me too? …I want THIS one. I’m going to go change.
NEXT TIME: Will this be a success? What does it being a success even entail? I guess we’ll find out!